Understanding Parental Bu ...
Understanding Parental Burnout: Navigating The Challenges With Parents
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Ever felt like you're juggling a never-ending loop of parenting, work, life, & relationships, and struggling to find a balance? If you're nodding in agreement, you might be having a parental burnout and the fact that you are reading this blog suggests that you may already know it. This blog won’t magically make the feeling disappear but it will help you navigate various ways to deal with it.
Before we go any further, I want you to relax, close your eyes for a couple of seconds, and remind yourself that you are doing a phenomenal job. After all, self-affirmation is very important, isn’t it?
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Parenting is beautiful, rewarding, fulfilling, enriching, and life-changing. It is practically anything, but easy. Being a parent is a complex, full-time job that requires your time and energy, sometimes to the extent that you have none left for yourself. But, that’s what parenting is all about, finding a balance, despite the overwhelming feeling of not doing enough and the fear of being judged. Burnouts are nothing but a reminder that despite all the superhuman expectations, parents are still mortal beings who need some time to recharge & rejuvenate, both physically and mentally.
What Is Parental Burnout?
Parental burnout may be defined as a state of emotional, mental and physical exhaustion brought about by the overwhelming feeling of not being able to cope with the demands of parenting and having no time & energy for yourself.
A lot of parents, nowadays, are becoming vocal about the problem and we were able to get in touch with a few. We conducted a survey wherein we asked some parents about their experience, challenges and their coping mantra. So, if you are still struggling with silence, this might be your sign to talk about it.
Any Parent May Experience A Burnout
In the 1980’s the first-ever research on Parent Burnout was conducted in the United States, which primarily focused on the parents of children with tumours. However, a group of Belgian researchers, including Isabelle Roskam (Professor of Developmental, Parenting, and Gender Psychology at UC Louvain, Belgium) and Moïra Mikolajczak (Professor of Emotion and Medical Psychology at UC Louvain, Belgium), later highlighted that although parenting a child with a medical condition can be a contributing factor, any parent may experience a burnout. .
Signs/Stages Of Parental Burnout
In 2018, Roskam and Mikolajczak, along with their team, conducted a survey of more than 900 parents using the Parental Burnout Assessment technique they developed. This helped them to determine the four dimensions of parental burnout: “exhaustion in one’s parental role, contrast with previous parental self, feelings of being fed up with one’s parental role, and emotional distancing from one’s children.”[1] Mikolajczak suggests that parental burnout occurs in several stages, which progress as follows:
#1. Exhaustion In Parental Role
Mikolajczak suggests that the first stage of parental burnout is overwhelming exhaustion and the intensity of exhaustion may vary based on the age of the child. According to her, parents of younger children are more likely to be physically exhausted, whereas those of adolescents and teens are at higher risk of mental exhaustion. This has been further exacerbated after the pandemic owing to homeschooling. It is basically the stress of not being able to get things done that can gradually interfere with their sleep, add to their anxiety, and make them irritable. This is a never-ending loop that keeps on repeating on a regular basis.[1]
#2. Emotional Distancing From One’s Children
To compensate for the overwhelming exhaustion triggered by the demands of parenting, some parents try to distance themselves to find more time for themselves and preserve some energy. This detachment and emotional disengagement does not mean that you love your child any less, but it can still have a great impact on the bond that parents share with their children. It can be like earlier you used to spend more time with your child, talking to them and asking questions but now, you just try to avoid such engagements.
#3. Contrast With Previous Parental Self
During the early phase of pregnancy you may have overwhelming excitement to start a new chapter of your life with your little one and you would want to do everything with perfection. However, as parental burnout takes a toll on you, you may start questioning your parental self. It may seem like you have lost your efficacy and thighs are beyond your control. This is where parental guilt comes into play.
#4. Feelings Of Being Fed Up With One’s Parental Role
This is a stage where you just feel fed up as your responsibilities seem to never end irrespective of how much effort you put in and you feel trapped. In some cases, parental burnout can impact the parent to a point where they become violent and neglectful. For example, scolding a child, or spanking them..[1] However, this is soon followed by resentment. According to Mikolajczak, “Parents who do these things often feel shame, so they ruminate on their behaviour, then they wake up the next day more tired and sensitive, which compounds the negative behaviours,”
Real Parents Real Stories
Irtiqa (Mother To A 2.5-Year-Old)
It was when her baby turned 15 months old that Irtiqa realised that she was going through parental burnout. After 7 months, when her baby was 22 months old, she could not take the pressure mentally and physically, which eventually made her quit her job. We asked her if she had tried talking to someone about it, “I have been in therapy and yes it helped” she replied. It did make an impact on her relationship with her partner but ever since she has left her job, things are getting better. “The pressure at work was making me bitter at home and at work,” she told us.
Irtiqa’s Mantra To Coping With Parental Burnout
“Just hang on there, it does get better with time, and prioritise on things based on your situation and keep yourself on top of your priority list because you can never pour from an empty cup”
Ashish Dhall (Father To A 1-Year-Old)
Ashish and his partner started experiencing parental burnout soon after their baby was born. The couple did not opt for any nanny or Japa service, so it was right from day 1. “Your cycle and everything changes. You are not able to sleep at night and accordingly, the days would be impacted,” he told us. When asked whether his partner was going through the same, he shared “ A little more because she is also feeding the baby so, for me at least, I can just get up and support her but she is the one who is actually the hero in the movie.”
We asked Ashish how parental burnout had affected him physically and mentally. He replied, “It starts with your physical health. You can't get enough sleep and all the time you have to take care of the baby and their needs. Gradually it starts impacting your mental health. At the back of your mind, you are always thinking about your baby. This affects your work life too. There are times that you have a lot of work and pressure at the office and simultaneously your baby is not well, your first priority has to be your child because work still can be managed by someone else. So, it basically shakes up your work-life balance.”
Ashish further shared that both he and his partner are exhausted all the time. “When you are in a relationship, you are supposed to give time to your partner but, right now, we are not able to give time to each other as we have to give all the time to our daughter”
When you are raising a child, there are small things that you have to take care of. If you normally tell someone about these, they’ll be like ‘That’s basically it’, but you have to do it the whole day. It’s like when you do something once, it seems fine, but if you are doing the same things back to back, it’s a cycle that is not ending. It’s not for one day. It has to go on for 3 - 4 years”
Ashish’s Advice To Fellow Parents
“Every child is different and you should not compare because what happens these days is that there is a lot of comparison. What is working for your child, just accept it and work the way it is. For my child, I’ve focused on this from the very beginning.”
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Deepshika (Mother To A 5-Year-Old)
When asked ‘how parental burnout has affected her physical and mental health?’ Deepshika, who is the mother of a 5-year-old, told us, “It affects our physical health as we both do not get enough time to relax/rest. I feel so much stress mentally after seeing the never-ending tantrums of my child. I keep on shouting at him and it makes me mad.” Deepika also shared that sometimes she feels that it has resulted in distance between her and her partner. “We argue many times because we both have different opinions regarding our child.
Here’s What Deepshika Wants To Suggest Fellow Parents
“I have observed that yelling and shouting don’t work much. He becomes scared for sure but repeats the same mistakes again. Then I tell him in a cool and calm manner and observe changes. He is becoming obedient.”
Heena Nazir (Mother To A 3.2 Year Old)
When her youngest child reached the age of three, Heena, a working mom of three, started experiencing symptoms of parental burnout. “You just don't function properly. You are angry, frustrated, and feeling guilty most of the time". Heena shared.
“As we don't blame children or situations, we blame each other in terms of busy schedules, not being able to balance work life, etc,” she told us when asked how it had impacted her relationship with her partner. Heena also feels that parental burnout has affected the emotional connection she has with her kids. “They are not emotionally connected to you. They play the victim card in many situations, and you tend to give up. So you fail to discipline them. Eventually, you are not able to prepare them for life”
Heena’s Suggestion To Fellow Parents
“When things get hard, try to remember all the beautiful moments you’ve had with your children. It is a challenging phase, but this too shall pass. So hold on. Also, a big No to screen time”
Feba (Mother To A 2-Year-Old)
Feba first started experiencing the signs of parental burnout when her baby was 7 -8 months old. She shared, “I gained a lot of weight. Also, it affected my sleeping patterns. I’m physically and mentally tired all the time. I got mood swings.” Feba tried to reach out to her partner but he has his work commitments, which leaves her dealing with it all alone. “We feel distant. It’s hard for us to be available for each other emotionally and physically,” she added. After her second child, Feba could hardly pay attention to her first one owing to which she feels less involved now.
Feba’s Suggestion For Fellow Parents
“Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Always try to communicate with your partner or family to help you through this journey.”
Parimal Prateek (Father To A 4-Year-Old)
For Prateek and his partner, it started after their little girl started walking. “Not physically but mentally as we both had to be super attentive to avoid her bumping into things, falling, or when she tried grabbing something so on and so forth.” he shared. When asked whether parental burnout had affected his relationship with his partner, he shared it hadn’t, but it did have an impact on his work life.
Words Of Wisdom From Parimal Prateek
“Enjoy the way you are bringing up your kid. You can learn a lot from it”
Impact Of Parental Burnout
Parental burnout, although very common, is not normal and it can have a long-term impact on the parents, as well as the children. It has been associated with chronic stress and anxiety, which ultimately lead to depression, obesity, heart disease, and high blood pressure. Parents who experience it may also feel disconnected from their partners and their children. The inability to fulfil their roles may fill them up with guilt and they start questioning themselves. If not managed at the right time, it can eventually take a toll on the bond that they build with their child and such children are more likely to have behavioural and emotional issues as they grow up.
How To Manage Parental Burnout?
Cheer up dear parents, it may be a rough phase but it’s not going to last forever. So, as long as it does, here are a few things that you can do to cope with it.
Share What You Feel
It is very important to vent out all the negativity that is building within and the best way to do it is by talking to someone. It can be your partner, your family, your friends or even colleagues. You just need to find a safe place, someone whom you can trust and who can preferably relate. This will help you gain a new perspective and see things from a new angle. Speaking about what you are going through will help to relieve stress and tension. If you feel that this is not helping, you can always opt for therapy, just like Irtiqa did.
Live In The Present
Stop stressing yourself about what you couldn’t do or what you could’ve done and rather focus on the present. As parents, we often try to put ourselves and our own needs at the bottom of our priority list, just like Ashish shared, and maybe that is the reason why we never reach there. Try to take mindful breaks and spend this time reflecting on what you are feeling at that moment. Don’t think about the past or present, just that very moment. Observe calmly and then decide what should be your next step.
Don’t Blame Yourself
If blaming oneself helped, I would happily take the blame for the inflating prices in our country, without second thought. Jokes apart, it is not going to make any positive impact, but it will definitely make a negative one. So, stop blaming yourself. It will take time to change your thought process but you need to understand that you are doing your best and it’s just that parenting is challenging.
Focus On Self-Care
Focusing on yourself does not make you selfish. You can take care of your little one to your best capacity only when you are functioning optimally and that is possible only when you start prioritising your health and well-being. Ditch unhealthy snacks and go for healthier options, drink more water, walk around, and do things that you love. Your bond with your child is like a Bluetooth connection and you can transfer good data only if you have it yourself.
Don’t try to be perfect
Meeting the ever-increasing standard of parenting and the growing expectation of society may seem impossible but some parents anyhow try to do it because they wish to be perfect. Parenting is not about perfection, it is about finding ways to make the imperfections work. If someone is telling you otherwise, maybe it’s them who needs a reality check. As Ashish suggested, do not compare and focus on what works best for you and your child. It may be different from others, but it still counts.
Bring The Village Back
83.3 percent of parents in our survey believed that lack of support from family and friends plays a role in parental burnout and we couldn’t agree less. It has been rightly said “It takes a village to raise a child”, however, with the nuclear family setup that we have nowadays, parents often find themselves shouldering a heavier burden, often leading to parental burnout. What you can do is reach out to people and share your experience and learnings, and they’ll do the same. Talk to your family. Maybe ask them to come over for a couple of days and help you.
These small steps are likely to make a big difference. Apart from these, you can try and opt for therapy and counselling. It may seem a bit unusual, but therapy does help. Also, you can share your personal experience with us by taking part in our survey. Click here to start.
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