Teen Speak - Teens Share Why They Resort To Lying

“Hold on to me but also set me free. Give me roots but also give me wings.”

Welcome to a teen’s world – the wobbly world of an individual who is no more a child and not yet a grown up. A world where parents and family are no more the be all and end all of her life. The outside world is calling out and enticing your child to have new experiences, which require her to make decisions mum n dad may not necessarily approve of.

While they constantly battle between making personal choices and following parents’ instructions, teens are driven into tricky situations where lying seems the easiest alternative to chaos. When you think about it, why does anyone lie in a relationship? Fear is a common cause – fear of rejection, fear of confrontation, fear of abuse. It could be anything. And teenagers are no different. Read on to find out some of the reasons that teenagers gave us when we asked them what makes them resort to lying.

Why Do Teenagers Resort To Lying?

So, what makes a teen lie? We can always theorize over the possible causes, but then we thought, why not hear it from the teens themselves. So we spoke to teenaged children from across the country and got these thought provoking insights into what drives them to lie. (Some names have been changed on request.)

1. I lie to avoid criticism from Mum / Dad:

   13-year-old Arnav from Pune is an only child and, hence, closely watched by his parents who want to ensure they are doing everything right for him. “I know my parents love me but they can be so over protective at times, which is frustrating. They want me to do things in a certain way and if I don’t, it means a lecture, which I would rather avoid. The other day, dad told me to stop mingling with this friend of mine because he has not been getting good grades that might affect my grades. I mean, seriously! Aren’t we supposed to help out friends and stand by them? I can’t leave my friend; I am helping him with some subjects, without my dad knowing of course. Wish I did not have to lie to him, though!" How do you think it impacts a teenager when parents contradict themselves?

2. I lie when I have to protect someone or something:

   14-year-old Khwaish from Gurgaon is a level headed teenager who would prefer to spend time doing things she loves than ‘raising’ her 8-year-old sibling. “My younger brother is the Indian avatar of Dennis the Menace! We are in the same school and there is never a day when a teacher does not pull him up. And I am supposed to look out for him all the time, like I am his nannie or something. Can I tell mum all that goes on at school? Nope! - No choice but to lie!” Do we curb our teens’ growth by burdening them with responsibilities they are not ready for, expecting them to behave as grownups all too soon?
3. Adults can’t handle the truth, can they! 16-year-old Raashi from Bengaluru is the quintessential ‘good’ child. Gets good grades and loves the attention she gets from doting parents and two elder brothers. “I recently went on my first ever date! (without my family’s knowledge of course). Being the only girl in the family has its flip side. I must stick to a ‘code of conduct’ that simply means I can’t do half of the things my brothers or friends do. By the way, my brother has a girlfriend and mum knows about it. So much for gender equality! - Besides, my brothers lie as well.” What, according to you, do our young ladies need more, protection or empowerment?

4. I lie because there is simply no other way out sometimes:

   “What’s a poor soul to do when parents don’t leave any option? I went to this party with friends and two boys broke into a scuffle over something silly. I have been taught all about avoiding violence and not getting into unnecessary fights and I do follow it. But I had to pitch in to save my friend or they would label me a sissy. I got a bruise and told mum I slipped. I would love to tell her the truth about how I stood up for my friend, but can’t handle the panic attack and the ban on future parties!” Says 17-year-old Ashish from Darjeeling. A decision taken solely on the basis of how mum reacts to situations. Could this have been different?

5. I lie to get my parents’ approval / agreement:

   Yatin from Noida will be 15 soon. Says his parents are ‘pretty cool’ except about a few ‘taboo’ subjects. “They understand me and let me make my own decisions. But I do lie at times, and I feel guilty about it. There was this sleepover I was really excited about. Had to tell mum it was only boys though we did have three of our female friends as well. I mean I know what they are worried about, I am no baby. My friend’s grandparents were home and girls and boys had different rooms to sleep. No fun if all of your buddies aren’t there, is it? So had to say it was an only boys’ party. Mum did find out eventually though!” With so much exposure, should we still refrain from talking about sex with our teens? Doesn’t it make them more vulnerable?

6. I lie because it’s the only way to get my parents to listen:

   9-year-old Arjun is yet to turn a teen, but is learning that lying helps him get his parents’ attention like nothing else. “One day when mom was rushing to work, I told her I had this bad tummy pain to make her stay home. She would never have stayed back otherwise. It was a fun day. She took care of me, we saw a movie together and she even made a cake in the evening. Thankfully she did not take me to the doc- phew!” In our rush to provide the best, are we ignoring the very people we are trying to make happy?

7. I lie just for fun!:

   “All of a sudden there are so many restrictions,” says 16-year-old Rushil from Ahmedabad. “My ‘open minded’ parents have been replaced by complete control freaks. So it gives me a kind of kick to do things no one knows about, especially mum n dad. Like last week I borrowed this friend’s bike and went for this super speedy ride that would completely freak out my parents if they knew. If I made a list of the things I want to do and showed it to them, they will pack me off to alien land.” It’s human tendency to rebel and want to do things that are not allowed. What do you think is the way out?
8. It’s really not lying; it’s simply withholding the truth. There’s a difference! 15 year Advita from Mumbai tries her best to make sure she doesn’t have to lie to her parents. Even then… “I mean, who tells their parents everything? I am sure my parents had to hide a few things as well when they were teens. They can’t understand everything can they? Will my parents understand if I told them my best friend is a lesbian, or that some boys buy drugs right from outside the school? No. So why bother them with life’s bitter truths they do not want to acknowledge?”

Does our responsibility end with imbibing self-control and discipline in our children or do we need to be available for listening when their value system is challenged by the real world?

Have you been in a situation where you have confronted your teenaged about lying? How did you handle the situation? Tell us in the comments section below!